Book Tour

While the rest of you will be suffering through a typically windless summer, I'm happy to announce that I will be on a book tour. I will be promoting my new book, "My Jibes Suck, So Let Me Tell You What You Are Doing Wrong." My book has been a work in process for quite some time although, admittedly, when I was blowing many of my jibes, I didn't know that it was all in the name of literary research. I thought I was just an inept windsurfer. I had no idea I was merely following my literary muse. The more jibes I blew, the more I'd be able to write the book, the definitive book, on jibing.

Jibing too good to write about it
Don't look so smug, young lady. A jibe like that will never get you a book deal.

I'm sure that at least someone out there is thinking, "if you can't jibe, how could you write a book about it?" The question is understandable but, quite frankly, shows a complete lack of understanding of how our culture works. I must admit that some of the inspiration for the book came from seeing a blurb in a flyer from the Atlanta History Center which was pimping promoting an appearance by reality "star", Bethenny Frankel. Ms. Frankel was promoting her new book, "I Suck at Relationships So You Don’t Have To"

Bethenny Frankel is good at many things – being an entrepreneur, mom, and TV star – but when it comes to relationships, she is the first to admit that she has had many failures. The good news is, in working through the mistakes, she has already learned many things about what she doesn’t want, that she won’t accept, and that she shouldn’t settle for. And most importantly, she still believes in love and that her perfect relationship is still to come.

I figured that if a twice divorced middle-aged celebrity can tell us about how to manage our relationships (I'm not judging here, just reporting), then as someone who hasn't completed a jibe since beginning my attempts sometime late in the last century, I'm eminently qualified to write a book, nay, a trilogy about jibes.

Given that Ms. Frankel is still single (her wikipedia page does say she has a pet: "Bethenny Frankel has a pooch named Cookie, who's often allowed to cuddle...") I see my continuing failure to jibe as no obstacle to my success as a both an author and as a celebrity. In fact, I'm in talks with several cable channels about putting together some sort of reality TV gig. Among the ideas put forth by producers is a show where I buy used windsurfing boards, install thousands of dollars of upgrades while verbally berating my assistants; and always selling them for a tidy profit. Working titles include Epoxy Garage and Board Dynasty (admittedly, none are very original, creative or remotely intriguing.) It may be that I lack enough dysfunctional family dynamics to make a go of it but my kids may yet rise to the occasion.

“Just because I haven’t found the right person doesn’t mean I don’t have it in me,” said Frankel earlier this week to me by phone in New York right after a “Today” show appearance. “It doesn’t mean I don’t have good advice to give. People can be married 30 years and have issues.”

- Source

No offense to Ms. Frankel but, personally, I might want to listen to the couple that have been married thirty years and see what worked for them first. If nothing else, I bet they'd offer you their thoughts for the price of a cup of coffee rather than the $40 it cost to hear her talk.There was an admission fee which did include a copy of her book. But I figure if I'm interested in the book, I'll wait until it shows up at Big Lots for $3.99.

I think that asking people for $40 so they can hear you talk about something you think you can do but haven't shown much actual proficiency is a bit over the top. That's why on my book tour I will only be charging $35. I figure that if I can get about twenty people to show up, I can well be on my way to a new 9.5 sail. Of course, no one actually jibes a 9.5 so not being able to jibe won't hinder my enjoyment of it. In fact, it may offer me the opportunity to offer my insights into Formula racing. (Working title: "I Suck at Going Fast So Let Me Tell You What You are Doing Wrong")

My only regret in all this is having taught my children: When you fail, try, try again. Who needs to try again when you can charge people $40 to tell them how you would have tried if you are ever in that situation again.

Legally Speaking...

If any other industry came up with the windsurfer, it would have been sued into oblivion. While windsurfers do reasonably well going straight, they are simply and profoundly inadequate for that most forseeable of maneuvers: turning around and going the other way. Even if you decide to windsurf across the Pacific, at some point you will encounter land and have to turn the board around.

Windsurfing boards can't turn around without upsetting the apple cart. What other means of conveyance is as similarly inadequate? What if every time your car reached the end of a road, it would careen off the road and eject all the passengers?

Early race car attempts to jibe
Like windsurfers, early cars were difficult to turn around, often with similar results.

Below is the best cinematic rendering of the jibe I could find. Like all my jibes, it starts with me approaching shore and then bad things begin to happen.

Yeah, I'm kidding. My jibes usually involve more bloodshed and mayhem. Although, I love it when the sailboat explodes on impact in the first moments. Sailboats are notorious for exploding. Right? That's what makes those port/starboard situations during regattas so interesting - two sailboats touch and boom!

Making a Jibe

When windsurfers speak of "making a jibe", you have to consider the source. It doesn't mean the same to all windsurfers. For some windsurfers, making a jibe means changing direction 180 degrees without swimming. For others, it's changing direction without coming off of a plane. Where you are on the great curve of knowledge determines what happens when you try to jibe. Let's look at what a jibe means as one climbs the ladder of windsurfing knowledge:

  • Newbie windsurfer - Jibes are relatively easy. You sail at 2 mph in one direction. You grab the uphaul and let go of the boom. The board slowly swings around and eventually points the other way. You grab the boom on the other side and sail smartly away at 2 mph. Easy, peasy. What's all the fuss?
  • Newbie plus a few months - now it's blowing a little bit. You steer downwind, until you get backwinded and fall in. You spend the next 10 minutes trying uphaul the sail on the upwind side of the board. You drift about a half mile downwind. You eventually get pointed the other and then find you need to practice your tacks for the next hour if you are to have any hope of ending back upwind where you started.
  • Beginning to plane - a completed jibe now is as far away as Pluto. You are planing - no straps, no harness- and hanging on for dear life; and when you begin to steer downwind, you explode. Eventually, you tire of the explosions and just surrender at the end of every reach by just falling in.
  • Planing in the harness - a completed jibe is about as far from your reality as the Oort Cloud. You are planing in the harness and straps and when you begin to steer downwind, you explode. Violently. Many windsurfing boards lose their nose at this point.
  • Planing comfortably in the harness and straps - the jibe is now closer. It is now as close as Jupiter or Saturn. You've watched a few videos and the jerks on the beach (meaning me) have offered their advice. You now carve downwind. You no longer explode. Your swimsuit, however, does find itself wedged well up into body cavities you didn't even know you had on about half of your attempts. Perhaps unfairly, your body begins to associate the terms jibing and colonic cleansing.
  • Hey, you're an intermediate - you've made a few waterstarts. You carve smartly downwind. You fumble with the mast. You can almost see daylight on the other side when the door shuts on you. Instead, you discover every possible way to get a concussion from the mast when it drops on you. The only reason you grab the boom on the other side is to try to deflect it from striking you on the head, on the same exact spot it hit you two minutes ago.
  • You are an advanced intermediate - Pyrotechnics are rare unless it's quite a windy day and then it's like the Fourth of July. You can change direction but making the board plane out the other side is quite problematic. You are like an Atlanta sports team - pretty good early on but rarely get to the championship. Your season, too, ends early as you fumble with the sail or sink the tail. Next time, next time, you think. But deep down, you know not to get your hopes up.
  • You are an expert - you don't understand what the fuss is about. You go one direction, press on the rail, chuck the sail and then head the other direction. Why is everyone else wet?
Blurb on the Back

Have you wanted to complete a jibe? Whether completing a jibe merely means staying dry or coming out on a ripping plane, the author shares his wisdom gleaned from failing to jibe some 10,000 times spread out over 20+ years of windsurfing. Sure, he doesn't know what he's talking about but he's famous, attractive and charming. Buy his book.

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webguy
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Re: Book Tour

Also, consider a career in sports broadcasting. Apparently, it's not that hard

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